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Wishing for his pink of health

Last week has been pretty hellish, emotional wise.

Dad complained of chest pains for the past few days, but pushed away the idea of visiting the doctor until he got worried himself. We have initially thought the pain stemmed from his “pu zua” but since it lasted for a tad long, I suggested he visit the doctor. If it turned out to be nothing too worrying, at least we know for sure.

So Dad went to the polyclinic on Monday, and was referred to SGH on the same day. He was warded eventually, and kept under observation as the doctors couldn’t determine the cause of the pain. A series of tests (blood tests, x-ray and scanning of the heart) has to be conducted to ensure the pain wasn’t signs of a heart attack or blocked arteries. This shocked me since I thought the referral was only routine.

I rushed down shortly after work, and was informed that Dad would most likely be discharged before the end of the day. After the tests results were out, we were told everything was normal; we can prepare for home sweet home after the doctor conducts the final check. Following the check, however, the doctor called in the cardiologist, told me I may have to leave first and they’ll need to keep my Dad for the night! They heard murmurs from his heart and gonna get the cardiologist to verify if it’s anything threatening (Dad has had a tiny ‘hole’ in his heart since young, but somehow not documented on his medical history) before they can release him from observation. So with trepidation still, I dragged my feet home at twelve midnight.

I got a rude shock the next morning when Dad called and informed us that he wasn’t going to be discharged, but instead, the cardiologists were going to transfer him to the National Heart Centre ward for further examinations. As one of my colleagues was on medical leave, I could only visit him after work around 9pm. For the entire day at work, I was worried sick, and at one point in time, couldn’t control my emotions and started weeping silently in front of the PC. Meanwhile, on MSN, Sis had to console me and cheer me on about keeping positive, and reassured me it’s anything but life-threatening..etc. As soon as work ended, I fled like my ass was on fire, caught a cab soonest and rushed down to SGH (it was a cheap cheap $5) Seeing Dad with the stupid needles jabbed into his wrinkled arm was so saddening It’s prolly psychological, but it seems he lost some weight two days into his hospitalization!

On a side note, Ag’s crying was in ratio to Dad’s hospitalization, somewhere near 2:1. He would cry in the day when Dad calls home from the ward, and cry again when we are going back after each visitation. Sometimes, he would tell us he wept in school, or during his recess. Hah. So endearing, no wonder Dad loves him most!

On Wednesday, the cardiologists are not releasing my Dad yet. FURTHER examinations needs to be conducted still (sometimes I wonder how much further? It’s further examination each day!) and as per the norm, Ag shed a tear or two when we left for the night. Ay.

Dad called me when I was on the way to work on Thursday, saying he could be discharged in the noon, like finally! So I rushed down during lunch to do the necessary and got a cab for Dad before I went back to the office. Thank the almighty god that everything looks fine for now, except for the fact they now claimed that my Dad has got high cholesterol and has to practise some abstinence from certain foods!

And the conclusion after all those tests and scans? Uncertain.

Following so many blood tests and heart scans, they are STILL unable to ascertain the cause of the pain in my dad’s chest/heart. Based on their super professional deductions, the pain may have stemmed from aches of his heart muscles OR some gastric problems. WTF? muscle aches? gastric? How is it possible that it caused my dad such friggin’ pain? I questioned the doctor about it, but the only thing they can assure us was that all scans and blood tests showed negative results, and there wasn’t any signs of a heart attack nor blocked arteries, which was of course a good sign for us.

I’m still baffled though. Shall heed the doctor and dietician’s advice to let my dad take the prescribed pills, and see how it goes from there. Scope test scheduled for next Wed to check the internal heart area, another further examination they say. Follow up review two weeks later, crossing my fings. Everything be well. Like I said, I’ll trade in my cheap life for his good health, anytime! So long Dad’s well.

where’s the love?

Trepidation.

Resent.

The yearn to break free.

Where’s the vigour? The fervour? The enthusiasm?

Most importantly, where’s the love?

Anoneh Pakuke!

Got a text message from friend pertaining to the upcoming SYF 2008 Central Judging. It’s going to be held at Hwa Chong Institution on Saturday, 12th April!

UG babes & dude!

Shall we shall we? I think my alumni polo tee is still somewhere in my spilling wardrobe……

My not-so-loyal patriotism for TK Band usually hits a momentum high during SYF, heh. People, let’s go together no matter how busy we are? Pretty please?

All the lift your legs and point your toes; Belphegor; TK Band is dynamite; best band in the land; duty, honour, school – they are all coming back! Woot!

[Not forgetting the "onion patty" at Aussie's Outback Restaurant that caused a tear or two..]

Oh I’m getting all excited!

on the go with mq’s (cranky) ipod II

假如

一份爱能承受多少的误解
熬过飘雪的冬天

一句话能撕裂多深的牵连
变的比陌生人还遥远

最初的爱越像火焰
最后越会被风熄灭
有时候真话太尖锐
有人只好说著谎言

假如时光倒流 我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
假如我不放手 你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动

想假如 是最空虚的痛

一个人要看过几次爱凋谢
才甘心在孤独里冬眠

最初的爱越像火焰
最后越会被风熄灭
有时候真话太尖锐
有人只好说著谎言

假如时光倒流 我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
假如我不放手 你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动

想假如 是最空虚的痛

为什么幸福都是幻梦
一靠近天堂也就快醒了
或许爱情更像落叶
看似飞翔却在坠落

假如真可以让时光倒流 你会做什么
一样选择我或不抱我
假如温柔放手你是否懂得
走错了可以再回头

想假如 是无力的寂寞

原唱: 信乐团

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

不会消失的夜晚

不知道你是否记得昨天
你是我这辈子最思念的人
到如今你已不在身边
你的笑在我心底徘徊

不知道你现在是否寂寞
未来你有你自己的路要走
才明白你已不再承诺
这人生到底带点荒谬

冰封了所有的永远
切不断对你的眷恋
还记得那天你说爱我不变
就算是输了全世界
也想再听你说一遍
我要你永远在我身边

沉睡的人会自由飞翔
在这不会消失的夜晚
任凭一切都化成云烟
对你的思念永远不变

原唱: 信乐团

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

爱我好吗

虽然收敛了许多的情感
还是泄漏了我的不安
于是你开始冷淡
我也开始问自己该怎么办

如果你知道我的遗憾
千万不要再不以为然
我的生活已经混乱
到处漂流却始终靠不了岸

这是我最后 最美 最真 最心碎的留言

喔～ 爱我好吗？
我愿意让伤心再来一遍
只要你留一个位置给我
哪怕是在你心中
最容易被忽略的角落

原唱: 卓文萱

their aberrant, love-repelling values

Quite obviously, we all have very different sets of morals.

To most people, having the “right” set of morals would generally equate to being filial to your parents, having proper manners, having a certain level of integrity, just to name a few. Predominantly, if one don’t steal nor kill, they are having some morals within, don’t they?

The word “right” is a very subjective word; one should never impose their thinking on others. Just because my actions don’t fit your set of morals, it does not necessarily imply I did wrong. In retrospect, you may be the one who’s holding a wrong set of morals. Nope, strike that. It’s an old set of morals. Too old.

Do not hurl nasty remarks only because their actions do not concur with your dinosaur-age set of morals. Who are you to judge their actions? Who are you to demean them with your hurtful words? So what if you are her parents? It does not give you any right to denounce anyone as being shameless, brainless or even ungrateful. On what basis do you think they are, or will be, ungrateful? Have they ever portray any lack of gratitude? Did it even occur to you that your act of abase do not fit your so-called morals? Now, tell me, what separates you from the trash-spouting lot?

Morals morals morals. All you rant about is nothing but your morals. YOURS. What make you so sure she is wrong? What makes you so certain her decisions are erred?

I agree with Ying, even if you don’t have faith in her, you should at least have faith in your own upbringing of your daughters.

It’s only a thin line between showing concern and force-imposing your thinking, forcing her to act according to ALL your wishes. Compelling acts of concern will not do her any good. She’s old and mature enough to know what she is doing, and make her own decisions. She’s no longer the nubile baby; she’s able to make her own judgement. Trust her, have faith in her, please believe her.

There’s a reason why people say humans are all bodies of opposing selves. For one, I’ve always had this notion that one should live their life the way they desire and not how others expect them to. On hindsight, I also believe in having my parents approve of what I’m doing and be proud of me; and out of respect, I’ve never really done anything against their wishes, at least nothing too grave to drive them up the wall. Similarly, if you don’t respect me, I don’t see why I should. And of course, your lack of respect will only necessitate more dissensions.

I suppose, it’s tough, if not impossible, to seek the equilibrium between living for oneself, (i.e being selfish for ‘our own good’) and being the child that draws approving nods. Ultimately, it boils down to trust. If you don’t trust, you are skeptical. Skeptical about the choices they made without you, cynical about the people they meet, and eventually doubtful about the things they choose to have faith in.

Helplessness kills, quit torturing her like that. Just because you don’t concur with her actions, it doesn’t mean you have to put her down like that. If we can, if we are in the right position, we will give you a good thrashing down in the face. You guys are the ones who need some sense knocked into your skulls, into your deep-set minds.

I do not know how I can help, except be there, provide whatever comfort I can and put my listening ears on stand by. I want to be able to give advice, but my mind is filled with vulgarities and irrational propositions. Save that for myself, I’ll only dish out the rational ones. 

Hang in there my dear, you’ll tide this through, albeit it’s an ardous process. We will be there for you, whenever you need us. It’s prolly impossible to communicate with them now, much less relay your thoughts across to them. As tough as it may get, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hang in there, DO NOT DO ANYTHING SILLY (you know what I mean.) Be strong, hun. Scorpios never say die, do they! You’ll never be alone, you know that. We love you. Your light is awaiting you, just right at the end of that tunnel. XOXO.

emo

Each time I think I’m losing myself, I’m reminded of what a dear friend once said “We think we lost abit of ourselves as we grow up. But in fact, what we did was merely grow up…”

Somehow, that seems to be able to drive strength in me whenever I feel like giving up, and gives me the support I seek to believe my decisions were right and I need not doubt them.

Charge on.

This is the (informal) announcement to my abstinence of alcoholic entertainment

I do not exactly appreciate people witnessing the weak, irrational and unglam side of me. Seriously do not dig it. Ahem.

Friends who know me well would agree that I’m (mostly) in control of myself/ my emotions, generally rational and self-conscious so to speak. At least on the outside. Hence, imagine my aghast to have woken up to a total blur of the previous night. It was scary.

The first thirty words or so I spouted when I regained conscious was a non-stop train of “OMGs”, in betweens bouts of “WTF happened”. For the bulk of it, I do not really recall the cause of the meltdown, the slumping, the avalanche of my barfing, the incessant shoutings into my ears to wake me up, and the aided shower, etc. How my two girls managed to drag me back with Sean (Ng) remains a mystery to me. I remembered refusing to be touched because the regurgitation in me escalates doubly when I move by a mere inch. (Sorry I yelled at you guys.)

I agree with Chris, I ought to be thankful to them. If they have left me slumped outside O’Bar alone, I might have been robbed, raped and the what-not. Which was totally true, seeing how I don’t recall much about anything at all (even though the dragging and tugging left me with multiple blue blacks on my arms, legs, bum and forehead.)

In retrospect, I tend to drink more than my own limits. I don’t usually set out to get pissed drunk, but because I know I am in good hands, I don’t mull over when to stop. Which is bad, since my reliance on the said people are quite over the top. I have to grow up!

Anyhow, to the three of them; to Par-mummy who bathed me, Fifi who helped in any way she could even though she was superrr tipsy, and Sean (Ng) who rushed down from Club street to save the pissed drunk me – THANK YOU ALL SO MUCHHHH! I wouldn’t have made it back unscathed if not for the three of you. I am utterly embarrassed to have troubled you guys in such a way, and to have let you guys witness the tak-glam side of me. Apologies for making you guys worried too.

My reputation is so ruined.

Please forget the incessant wailings and pretend it didn’t happen, it was not me! Wait, prolly my alter-ego, the loathsome one in me acting up. OH NO! Just forget it already.